The Potty War

Yesterday I was feeling adventurous, so I decided to take another whirl at potty training my son Maxx. He wasn’t ready before but I thought, what the hell… try, try again. I had just purchased the latest in portable pooping technology and was eager to give it a test run. His initial poo trial on the big people pot was an epic failure but I was confident my brightly colored, plastic potty was going to be a raging success.

In preparation, I emailed his dad at work to tell him that HIS 8-month-old daughter Cat was spitting banana mush all over me. I was gonna go hang out with MY son for a little mother-son potty time after securely transferring her from the high chair to her walker.

I show him his brand new, portable potty chair. “It’s time to learn how to go poopy in the potty Maxx!” I trill. He eyes it uncertainly with wide, blue eyes while clutching his Bear-Bear.

I begin by removing his diaper. No problem there. I’m thinking to myself, “Step one — accomplished. This is gonna be easy.”

He sits on his shiny, new throne. Again, no problem. “I’ve got this.”, I silently congratulate myself. He sits again… and again… and again. Next, Bear-Bear sits on the pot; Maxx sits, then Bear-Bear, and then some toys find their way in. Still nothing; not a nugget nor even a gust of gas.

“Hmmm… this might take a bit longer than I originally anticipated.”, I muse.

I step into the kitchen for a sandwich to fortify myself. I’m feeling confident and prepared for the long haul. I come back into the living room to find that Maxx has pooped on the floor and is standing up on the couch, arms akimbo, letting it rip with a strong stream of pee that’s splashing all over my fluffy, floral cushions. I, being supermom, say calmly and firmly, “SHIT! OH NO! STOP!!!” I grab him mid-pee and sprint to the potty like Wonder Woman running to join the final fight scene of a DC Comic, as he continues to sprinkle and spray.

I plop his bare butt down on the pot.

NOTHING.

I clean up the mess while quietly muttering words of encouragement to myself.

Okay… shit happens, right? No biggie. We start again. Sit on the potty, nothing. Sit Bear-Bear on the pot, still nothing. “No problem, I got this.”, is my refrain of the…